


[MST] G.I. Joe: The Movie

by PeachlingPie



Category: G.I. Joe (Cartoon), Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: MST3k-Style Riffing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-28 12:18:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17787284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeachlingPie/pseuds/PeachlingPie
Summary: In this "Love and War" themed Valentine's Day special, Mike Nelson and his robot pals are exposed to 1987's G.I. Joe: The Movie, one of the most ridiculous, over-the-top, jingoistic movies of its time. (And it was made in the 80's, so that's saying something!)Also, in this episode, Tom begins to think that Crow has a huge crush on him. Will this revelation lead to true love or just some wacky sitcom-style hijinks? (Obviously, it will be the latter, but still...)





	1. COBRA! COBRA!

In the not-too-distant future, somewhere in Time and Space

Mike Nelson and his robot pals are caught in a nasty place

They'll try to survive the wrath of Pearl

Just an evil gal who wants to rule the world

From her castle below she sets her sights above

Just to torture all her captives on the Satellite of Love.

 

MIKE NELSON: Get! Me! DOOOOOOWN!

 

PEARL FORRESTER: I'll send him cheezy movies, the worst I can find!

 

BOBO and OBSERVER: La, la, la!

 

PEARL: He'll have to sit and watch them all, and I'll monitor his mind!

 

BOBO and OBSERVER: La, la, la!

 

Now keep in mind Mike can't control where the movies begin or end

(BOBO and OBSERVER: La, la, la!)

He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his robot friends.

Robot roll call!

 

Cambot!

(CAMBOT: You're on!)

 

Gypsy!

(GYPSY: Oh my stars!)

 

Tom Servo!

(TOM: Check me out!)

 

Croooow!

(CROW: I'm different!)

 

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts

(BOBO and OBSERVER: La, la, la!)

Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a show, I should really just relax

For Mystery Science Theater 3000."

 

[Int. The Satellite of Love. Mike Nelson and the Bots are at the desk, working on arts and crafts.]

 

MIKE: Oh, hey everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. Today’s Valentine’s Day so we’re finishing up some last minute homemade greeting cards.

 

CROW: Mike! Mike! I finished mine! Can you read it?

 

MIKE: Sure, Crow. *takes the card from Crow’s hand.* Now let’s see… “Would you like to go out with me?” *opens the card* “If so, too bad, bite my shiny metal…” *gasps* Crow!

 

TOM: How _dare_ you besmirch the age old tradition of heart-shaped cards. It’s supposed to be a symbol of love itself!

 

CROW: Oh who needs love? I’ve never fallen for anyone in my life, and never will.

 

TOM: But what about Kim Cattrall or Estelle Winwood?

 

CROW: Those were mere childhood crushes. I’m mature now.

 

MIKE: Um, not to be mean Crow, but “you” and “mature” are sort of like antonyms.

 

TOM: Like “Up” and “Down”.

 

GYPSY: “Hot” and “Cold”.

 

TOM: “East” and “West”

 

GYPSY:  “Good” and “Bad”.

 

MAGIC VOICE: “Beautiful” and “Ugly”.

 

TOM: “Beginning” and “Ending”.

 

GYPSY: “Day” and “Night”.

 

CROW: “Tom Servo” and “Intelligent”.

 

TOM: “Black” and… Hey!

 

CROW: *laughs*

 

TOM: You’re just jealous that you’ve never experienced true love!

 

CROW: Yeah, right. The day I’m jealous of you is the day Pearl sends us an Academy Award Best Picture winner.

 

[A blue button flashes on the desk.]

 

MIKE: Speaking of…

 

[He pushes the button, putting a visual of Castle Forrester on screen, with the whole place covered in pink paper hearts. In the main room is mad scientist Pearl Forrester, talking ape Professor Bobo, and pale alien The Observer.]

 

MIKE: Wow, Pearl, I never took you as the romantic type.

 

PEARL (annoyed): Don’t look at me, this was all Bobo.

 

BOBO: Sorry, Lawgiver, I just couldn’t help myself. Something about this holiday, it  makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. I love love!

 

OBSERVER: Psshaw! Love is nothing more than mix of pheromones and endorphins that you lower beings overly obsess about. And as for this day of Valentine’s, it’s just a scam by candy and card companies to take your meaningless green paper.

 

MIKE: So to translate, you just don’t have a girlfriend, do you?

 

OBSERVER: How dare you?! I am an omnipotent being of limitless power, you think I could fail to woo a single being with my infinite charm?

 

MIKE: So I’ll take that as a no…

 

OBSERVER: *looks sad and nods his head*

 

PEARL: Alright, enough talk of mushy feelings stuff. Today I’m about to expose you three unwitting fools to one of the most brutal war movies you’ll ever experience. So prepare to be shell shocked by 1987’s G.I. Joe: The Movie!

CROW: Wait, does that really count as a war movie?

 

TOM: And since when do we do cartoons?

 

PEARL: Oh, i’m sorry, if you’d rather the alternative, i could put on Michael Bay’s Pearl Harbor…

 

MIKE: *nervously covers the Bots’ mouths* Uh, we’ll take G.I. Joe: The Movie please.

 

PEARL: That’s what I thought.

 

[Suddenly flashing lights and sirens go off inside the Satellite of Love]

 

MIKE: We got movie sign!

 

[Mike and the bots run out of the room, and after a montage of opening doors, we see them enter the theatre. There is only a single title card for Sunbow Productions and Marvel Productions, before the movie proper begins.]

 

CROW: Only one shared title card? This must’ve been before they started giving minute long little animated bits for every single studio who worked on the movie.

 

[The “G.I. Joe” title flies in through space, followed by the red, white, and blue stripe that goes with it. After combining to form the movie’s title screen, fireworks start to go off, and camera pans to show the statue of liberty surrounded by psychedelic colored spheres.]

 

TOM: Only 30 seconds in and the animators have already dropped acid.

 

MIKE (with a stereotypical stoner voice): The 80s were a different time, man.

 

[As the music starts a squadron of Cobra Paratroopers descend in a shot filmed from below.]

 

>Crashing through the sky  
>Comes the fearful cry…   
  
>COBRA!   
>COBRA!

 

>COBRA!  
>COBRA!

 

[During this shot, the camera focuses awkwardly on one of the paratroopers.]

  


MIKE (sarcastically): Thanks movie, I really needed a close up on his crotch.

 

[Cobra Jets and Trouble Bubbles swirl around the statue of liberty and the paratroopers.]

 

>Armies of the night  
>Evil taking flight   
  
>COBRA!   
>COBRA!

 

>COBRA!  
>COBRA!

 

TOM (mimicking the background singers): MARCO!

 

CROW: POLO!

 

TOM: MARCO!  
  
CROW: POLO!

 

[People flee in terror as the Paratroopers land all around them, with one even taking a swing at a nearby cameraman, destroying his equipment.]

 

>Nowhere to run  
>Nowhere to hide   
>Panic spreading far and wide   
>Who can turn the tide?   


TOM: Uh, I’m guessing the guys they named the movie after. Duh.

 

[Duke, the leader of G.I. Joe, appears on top of Lady Liberty’s torch and shoots down a Cobra agent.]

 

>G.I. Joe- A real American hero

 

MIKE (excitedly, in sync with the movie): YO JOE!

 

TOM: Settle down there, Mike

 

MIKE: Sorry, it’s just really fun to do that.

 

>G.I. Joe is there

 

[G.I. Joe reinforcements on jet packs arrive and start attacking Cobra.]

 

>G.I. Joe- A real American hero  
>G.I. Joe is there   
>Fighting for freedom   
>Wherever there's trouble   
>over land and sea and air   
>G.I. Joe is there

 

CROW: In fact. G.i. Joe is everywhere. It’s right behind you right now! Look out!

 

[Inside an aircraft, Cobra Commander himself is handed a bomb by Destro, and wearing a jetpack, he flies off with it.]

 

TOM (as Destro): Whatever you do don’t push the red button.

 

CROW (as Cobra Commander): Push the red button? OK!

 

>Can the world oppose  
>Deadliest of foes?   


MIKE: That’s right, they’re the deadliest of foes. ISIS you’ve been demoted.

 

>COBRA!

>COBRA!

 

>COBRA!  
>COBRA!

  
>Joes will risk it all   
>To end the evil call of   
>COBRA!

>COBRA!

>COBRA!

>COBRA!

  
>They never give up   
>They never say die   
>Walking tall with banners high   
>They sound the battle cry-   
>Yo Joe! Yo Joe!

 

MIKE: YO JOE!  
  
TOM: Mike!

 

MIKE: Sorry, I… couldn’t help it.

 

[G.I. Joe continue to easily kick Cobra’s collective butt, with Duke himself punching Cobra Commander square in the jaw.]

 

>G.I. Joe- A real American hero  
>G.I. Joe will dare   
>G.I. Joe- A real American hero   
>G.I. Joe is there   
  
>Fighting for freedom   
>Wherever there's trouble   
>over land and sea and air   
>G.I. Joe is there

 

>NARRATOR: GI Joe is the codename for America's daring, highly trained special mission force.

 

TOM: Yeah, we gathered as much.

 

>NARRATOR: Its purpose: to defend human freedom against Cobra- a ruthless, terrorist organization determined to rule the world.

 

TOM: Again, obviously.

 

>G.I. Joe- A real American hero  
>G.I. Joe will dare   
>G.I. Joe- A real American hero   
>G.I. Joe is there   
> Fighting for freedom   
>Wherever there's trouble   
>over land and sea and air   
>GI Joe is there   


[Duke swoops down with a jetpack and grabs the bomb, before flying up and planting it on Cobra’s main aircraft, getting away just as it explodes.]  


COBRA COMMANDER (riding atop a Trouble Bubble): COBRA RETREAT! RETREAT!

 

TOM (as Destro, sarcastically): What a brilliant idea, oh fearless leader.

  


>G.I. Joe- A real American hero  
>G.I. Joe is there

 

[Duke, together with all the other Joes, plants an American flag atop the Statue of Liberty’s crown.]

  
>G.I. Jooooooooooe!

 

MIKE and CROW (chanting as they leave the theatre): USA! USA! USA! USA!

 

TOM: Um, guys? The movie isn’t over…

 

[The two return to their seats.]

 

CROW: Really? I wonder how they’re gonna top that!

 

MIKE: Considering Pearl is forcing us to watch this movie, I’m guessing that they don’t.

 

CROW: Good point.

 

[The scene shifts to a swamp as the opening credits start, listing all the actors in the movie, including Burgess Meredith as “Golobulus”…]

 

MIKE: *starts imitating the Penguin’s laugh from Batman 1966*

 

[...and Sergeant Slaughter, the old WWF wrestler, as himself.]

 

CROW: Who else did they get? Hulk Hogan?

 

TOM (as Hulk Hogan): I’m about to give Cobra a bad case of Hulkamania, brother!

 

[Cobra vehicles roll on by, while a weird eye stalk coming from the swamp observes it all.]

  


MIKE: It’s that monster from the trash compactor scene in Star Wars!

 

TOM: If you were a real fan, you would know it’s called the “Dianoga”. *laughs snootily*

 

[At Cobra’s secret Headquarters, the Terrordrome, in the War Room, stand all of Cobra’s high command, when their leader, Serpentor, lowers in from the ceiling.]

 

>SERPENTOR: Blunderers! Fools! We possess power greater than any on Earth, and yet our conquests are stripped from us on every front. Our most dangerous enemy is not G.I. Joe, but your collective incompetence!

  


>COBRA COMMANDER (dramatically throwing back his cape): Hogwash!

 

MIKE: He sure knows how to rock the cape and pimp cane.

 

>SERPENTOR: You dare say…?

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: The fault, most imperial Ssserpentor, lies not within usss, but within you! Your leadership has been pompousss, pusilanimousss, and pathetic!

 

[Hushed voices of disbelief come from the surrounding crowd.]

 

>SERPENTOR: Yes, leadership is at the very heart of this matter. But it is not mine that is inadequate Cobra Commander. It is yours! Your evil-driven stupidity has converted victory to catastrophe for the last time!

 

MIKE: No need to fight, you’re both useless in your own, special way.

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Go ahead, make me the ssscapegoat. My loyal sssubordinates can testify to my sssuperb stewardship of Cobra, but you don’t have the courage to let them speak!

 

>SERPENTOR: Wrong again, defend him if you can!

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Indeed they shall. You first noble Destro.

 

TOM (as Destro): Why do I always get singled out?

 

>DESTRO: Militarily speaking, it’s only fair to say that Cobra Commander is a world class… buffoon.

 

CROW: Zing!

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: What?! Baroness! Dr. Mindbender! Brave Xamot and Tomax! You won’t let Destro’s treacherous assassination of my character  go unchallenged will you?

 

>DOCTOR MINDBENDER: Certainly not. Destro forgot to mention your frequent displays of cowardice.

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: *goes from looking smug to annoyed grumbling*

 

[The same eyestalk from before now fully emerges from the swamp revealing it to be part of some sort of organic vehicle carrying a mysterious hooded figure.]

  


TOM: Mr. Lovecraft? It’s your Uber driver here… am outside.

 

[As the figure leaves the vehicle, yellow slime oozes out.]

 

CROW: Oh no, it’s leaking mustard! Hot mustard! The evilest of mustards!

 

[The mysterious figure then approaches Cobra’s electric fence surrounding the Terrodrome, and uses four interconnected eels to gnaw through the fence.]

 

MIKE: It’s like a rat king but with eels.

 

[Back in the War Room, the assembled heads of Cobra continue ragging on Cobra Commander.]

 

>BARONESS: And you botched our desert campaign!

 

>DESTRO: We had won, but you countermanded my order!

 

>BARONESS: You’re meddling brought us defeat! Again and again and again!

 

>DOCTOR MINDBENDER: You’re not just a fool, you’re Cobra’s curse!

 

>XAMOT: Inept!

 

>TOMAX: Inefficient!

 

>BOTH (in unison): Inexcusable!

 

TOM: And hissing everytime you say the letter “s” is cliche.

 

CROW (as Cobra Commander): OK, that lassst one really ssstung.

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Unsubstantiated fantasy! Lies! Lies! Lies!

 

MIKE (to the tune of “Lies” by Thompson Twins): Yeah. They’re gonna get you.

 

[Back outside, the mysterious figure manages to incapacitate a guard, and infiltrate the Terrordrome, but not without setting off the alarms. As a door seals in front of them, they use their long finger nails to slice through and melt away part of the door.]

 

TOM: I’d say you need to cut those, but something tells me standard nail clippers wouldn’t have much of an effect.

 

[In the War Room…]

 

>DESTRO: Look! Security has been breached!

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: This may be an assassination attempt. Serpentor must stay here. We will intercept the intruder.

 

MIKE: That’s… actually a sound strategy.

 

CROW: Who are you and what have you done with  Cobra Commander?!

 

 

>SERPENTOR: I will meet this intruder head on!

 

>BARONESS: No, we must protect you!

 

>DOCTOR MINDBENDER: Without you, there is no Cobra!

 

TOM: The most powerful terrorist organization in history and they can’t function without one jerk in a snake onesie?

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Yesss, yesss, if something happened to Serpentor, it would be tragic, wouldn’t it? We shall stop this assassin. Come, follow me! COBRA!

 

[The Cobra troops press forward to stop the assassin, only for most to run right past them, and the ones who lag behind just end up thoroughly getting their butts handed to them. When the Cobra High Command members arrive, Cobra Commander, purposefully steers them in the wrong direction.]

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: No, not this way! That way!

 

MIKE: Something tells me that ruthless snake terrorist isn’t the most trustworthy guy…

 

[In the security room…]

 

>CRIMSON GUARDSMAN: Intruder approaching Serpentor’s War Room, seal all sectors!

 

[Large metal doors slowly close before the mysterious figure, but they manage to get through all of them.]

 

CROW: Do slowly closing metal doors ever work?

 

TOM: And why do they always close one at a time, with enough time to walk through each one. Can’t they just close all at once?

 

[The figure finally reaches the War Room, dodging all the defenses and guards, before getting up close with Serpentor.]

 

>SERPENTOR: None may challenge Serpentor, this I command!

 

[As he says that, Serpentor removes one of the snakes on his shoulders, causing another to take its place.]

 

MIKE: How many does he have? Is it just an entire reptile room in there?

 

[He then takes the snake and straightens it out to form a staff.]

 

CROW: OK, so definitely NOT how snakes work.

 

>MYSTERIOUS FIGURE: That won’t be necessary…

 

[She then removes her hood, revealing her to be an attractive woman in tight fitting clothing. Serpentor is stunned by the sight of her.]

  


>SERPENTOR: I… I have seen…

 

[He then flashes back to a vision of her and several other like her.]

 

>SERPENTOR: I… have seen you before… in a dream… in a vision.

 

MIKE:  Please, I’ve heard that pickup line before.

 

>MYSTERIOUS FIGURE: In a dream, great Serpentor. I am part of your destiny. When you were created, my face was etched into your soul.

 

MIKE: Now that’s an original pickup line!

 

>MYSTERIOUS FIGURE: I am Pythona, and now it is time for you to fulfill your destiny. Behold the Broadcast Energy Transmitter.

 

[Pythona shows Serpentor a hologram of some sort of high tech device, before the scene shifts to an icy mountain range. As the camera pans, there is a shot of a guy with a long wooden horn blowing into it...]

 

TOM: Ricola!

 

[... before settling on a shot of the Joes, in winter gear, standing around and chatting.]

 

>QUICK KICK: So I say to the guy, “I don’t care if we have to drive all night, we’ll be there by morning!”

 

>GUNG HO: *laughs* That’s funny.

 

MIKE (as Gung Ho): It’d be even funnier if you actually had a set up for that punchline, though.

 

[The camera then pans to the Broadcast Energy transmitter, with Mainframe, Dial Tone, and Duke working on it.]

  


>MAINFRAME: Catchy tune, isn’t it, guys? One more time!

 

>DIAL TONE: I can’t hear you, Mainframe.

 

>MAINFRAME: Well, Dial Tone, soon they’re gonna hear about the Broadcast Energy Transmitter all over the world. Pure energy pumped through the air.

 

TOM: Mainframe, master of the awkward exposition segue.

 

>DIAL TONE: Yeah, unlimited power anytime, anywhere we want.

 

MIKE (as Emperor Palpatine): UNLIMITED POWER!

 

>DUKE: If it works.

 

>DIAL TONE: The BET will work perfectly, Duke. I can practically feel its little semiconductors singing on my fingertips.

 

TOM: When you’re made of semiconductors like me, that comes across as weirdly sexual.

 

MIKE: Hell, it’s weirdly sexual even in the original context.

 

[Duke takes away the circuit board that Dial Tone is holding…]

 

>DIAL TONE (concerned): Hey, be careful!

 

>SCARLETT:  Well, let’s find out if we’ve just wasted a billion taxpayer dollars.

 

>DUKE: Here we go. If this thing works, it could be the key to the world’s energy crisis.  


TOM: How? Transmitting energy isn’t the same as generating more energy.

 

MIKE: It’s an 80’s cartoon, did you honestly expect anything beyond a 2nd grade understanding of science?

 

[Duke uses the control panel to activate the device, using it to power several machines all around.

 

>QUICK KICK: All right! *high fives Gung Ho*

 

[Unfortunately it affects more than just the intended targets..]

 

>CROSS COUNTRY: *falls backwards as the car he was leaning on drives away* Hey!

 

>DIAL TONE: The BET started Cross Country’s Havoc!

 

>DUKE: I’ll shut down and see if it stops.

 

[The power slowly fizzles out as Cross Country chases after his car, running over a hill.]

 

>CROSS COUNTRY: Whoa, you! Stop, stop!

 

[Suddenly, he comes running back, pursued by Cobra vehicles.]

 

>CROSS COUNTRY: Go, go, go! It’s…

 

>TOMAX: Coooooo!!

 

>XAMOT: Braaaaaa!!!

 

TOM: Aw, how cute, they finish eachother’s battlecries.

 

>SERPENTOR: Destroy everything, except the Broadcast Energy Transmitter! This I command!

 

[The Joes fall under heavy fire, with several of their vehicles being destroyed.]

 

>DUKE: They’re after the BET! Fall back and regroup for counterattack!

 

>SERPENTOR: *swooping down next to Cobra Commander* Press forward! I must possess the Broadcast Energy Transmitter. This I command!

 

MIKE: I apparently can’t go a sentence without saying my catchphrase! This I command!

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: This operation is costing us dearly! I hope your contraption is worth it!

 

>SERPENTOR: That is not your concern! Do as you are told like an obedient Lackey!

 

>COBRA COMMANDER (screaming in anger): Lackey?! YOU DARE CALL ME A... AAAAAAAH!

 

CROW: He didn’t call you an AAAAAAAH he called you a lackey. Learn to listen.

 

[The reason for Cobra Commanders screaming is that his vehicle, piloted by Doctor Mindbender, is under heavy fire from the Joes.]

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Mindbender, look out you dolt!

 

[The vehicle then crashes, sending them flying.]

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: AAAAAAAH!

 

TOM: With all this screaming, his voice actor must pay a fortune in throat lozenges.

 

>DUKE: Cover me, the BET is our only shot!

 

CROW: Only shot at what? Watching The Wendy Williams Show?

 

TOM: Wrong BET, Crow.

 

>DIAL TONE and MAINFRAME: Yo Joe!

 

>Serpentor: Dreadnoks! *points at Duke* Cut him down!

 

MIKE: What no “This I command!” that time? If you’re gonna overuse a catchphrase, at least be consistent about it.

 

[Duke is pinned down by laser fire, as Quick Kick and Snow Job drive toward him.]

 

>SNOW JOB: Man with a problem, Quick Kick!

 

>QUICK KICK: What are friends for?

 

[He launches a missile that causes several Dreadnoks to wipe out.]

 

>BUZZER (as he crashes):  COOOO- Ooh blimey.

 

[Duke destroys Serpentor’s glider with a grenade, then runs to the BET, and uses it to activate the Joes’ test weapons from before, or as Xamot puts it...]

 

>XAMOT: Tomax, the BET is activating the Joes’ weapons! Treachery!

 

>TOMAX: We’re being attacked!

 

>BOTH (in unison): From behind!

 

TOM: Oh, so that’s treachery, but sneak attacks are totally fair? Way to be hypocrites!

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Stand your ground! Not there! Here! No, over there!

 

MIKE: You can tell you’re not good at commanding when your orders sounds like part of the “Who’s on First?” routine.

 

[Duke and Serpentor fistfight, with the latter javelin-throwing a snake at him. And again, these are real, live snakes, so that’s just plain bonkers. Anyway…]

 

>BARONESS: The emperor needs us, Commander!

 

>COBRA COMMANDER (spitefully): When I so order, Baroness.

 

>SERPENTOR: *charges at Duke* Farewell, worm! *gets knocked into the BET’s satellite dish  and electrified, screams before falling to the ground unconscious*

 

>BARONESS: Serpentor is hurt. We must save him! Cobra!

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: No, retreat. Cobra! Retreat!

 

>DESTRO: What coward called retreat!

 

MIKE: Who else has a voice that shrill?

 

>DOCTOR MINDBENDER: Serpentor needs us, We can’t-

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: We have a counterattack to deal with! Retreat to the mountains! I know where we can find sanctuary.

 

[Cobra retreats, with Serpentor left behind.]

 

CROW: Wow, so Cobra can’t even win a battle where they have the advantage of larger numbers AND the element of surprise. That’s just sad.

 

>ROADBLOCK: Cobra’s through, what do we do?

 

>DUKE: I hate it but we gotta split the force. Roadblock, form a unit to run down Cobra. The rest of us will take care of Serpentor and the BET.

 

>ROADBLOCK: You heard the man, let’s wreck us some reptile!

 

>MISCELLANEOUS JOES: Yo Joe!

 

[Mike and the bots leave the theatre. As the doors to the theatre close, we are once again shown the bridge of the S.O.L., where Mike and Tom seem to have gotten separated from their golden companion.]

 

MIKE: Hey, have you seen, Crow?

 

TOM: No. He’s probably just in his room watching TV. I’ll go check on him.

 

[Tom floats down the halls of the S.O.L. until he reaches Crow’s room. Entering without knocking,despite the “KEEP OUT” sign, he is greeted by the tacky decor one would expect to be there, including a giant Schmidt beer sign and a chicken puppet kept in a display case.]

 

TOM: Crow? Huh, I guess he’s not here… Hey, wait, what’s this.

 

[Spying a small book on a desk, he walks over to it. The book is pink, and opened to one page in particular.]

 

TOM: It’s some kind of diary. Hmmmm. *looks into the camera* Let’s have a look, shall we? “Dear Diary, today is Valentine’s Day. As much as such a day would normally make me happy, today is a day of sadness, for I still don’t have the guts to tell my crush I like him.” Ha, I knew Crow was lying about all that not loving anybody stuff. “If only I could hold their pale white hands, and look them in the dome and say… Tom Servo, I love you.”

 

[Suddenly, Tom gasps and looks into the camera as dramatic music plays.]

 

[Meanwhile, back on the S.O.L. bridge...]

 

MIKE: Oh, there you are Crow! I was looking for you. Where were you?

 

CROW: Oh, i was in the bathroom. Sorry, but you’ll have to unclog the toilet.

 

MIKE: What? Why? I thought robots didn’t… you know.

 

CROW: Oh, we don’t. I was just playing a game called “See How Many of Mike’s Things I Can Flush Down The Toilet.”

 

MIKE: *sighs* Of course, you were. *looks into the camera* We’ll be right back.

  



	2. Nice Legs For A Grease Monkey

[Mike and the bots reenter the theatre, with Tom, looking particularly shooken up over something]

 

MIKE: What’s a matter, Tom? You look nervous.

 

TOM (nervously): What? No, everything’s perfect. Absolutely nothing has changed in an unbelievably earth-shattering way!

 

MIKE (obliviously): Okay.

 

[In the movie, Cobra’s men are trekking blindly through the frozen wasteland…]

 

>DOCTOR MINDBENDER: This is madness!

 

MIKE: THIS… IS… SPARTA! *chuckles* 

 

TOM: *groans*

 

MIKE: Sorry, I had to.

 

>DOCTOR MINDBENDER: Our men are half frozen! *to Cobra Commander* You’ll kill us all!

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Head for the pass up ahead! We’ll find sanctuary on the other side!

 

[Several vehicles filled with Joes then catch up with them.]

 

>MISCELLANEOUS JOES: There they are! Yo Joe!

 

>DOCTOR MINDBENDER: Blast! The Joes have caught up!

 

>TORCH: Hey, we didn’t sign up for another fight, though!

 

[The Joes and Cobra open fire on each other, with the latter heading through a mountain pass to discover what appears to be a mysterious village made out of alien looking plants.]

 

>BUZZER: Oi mates, me eyes are playing tricks. *to Cobra Commander* Hey, guv’nor, what’s this all mean?

 

TOM (in a british accent): Oi, wot’s all this ‘en?

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: We are safe! Safe! Ahahahahahaha!

 

[They are then immediately shot at and almost killed by Joes.]

 

>MISC. JOES: Yo Joe!

 

[Roadblock starts piloting a futuristic hovercraft and flying it towards them.]

 

CROW: It looks like they weaponized Professor X’s wheelchair.

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Take refuge in the growth!

 

>ROADBLOCK: Mop ‘em up!

 

[The Joes destroy Cobra’s abandoned vehicles, but Quick Kick is distracted by the strange scenery.]

 

>QUICK KICK: What is this? The Twilight Zone?

 

MIKE (as Rod Serling): Submitted for your approval, one Mr. Quickuel Kickington…

 

>ROADBLOCK: Forget those Redwood toadstools! It’s battle time! Yo Joe!

 

[Roadblock’s hovercraft is destroyed by a winged humanoid creature that emerges from the ground, and ends up abducting Roadblock.]

 

>SNOW JOB: Roadblock!

 

[Suddenly a bunch of strange masked soldiers appear from the ground and start attacking the Joes, while going “Lalalalalalalalala!”]

 

MIKE (as them): I can’t hear you! Lalalalalalala!

 

>SHIPWRECK: Back off, fast!

 

[All the Joes seem ineffective against the might of their new foes, and one by one are defeated. Only Snow Job is able to  get back to his vehicle and chase after Cobra Commander.]

 

>SNOW JOB: Got ya now, you slippery creep!

 

TOM: Rule of thumb, any time a character in a movie says something along the lines of “I have you now” it means they’re immediately about to fail.

 

[He is then attacked by the winged creature, which easily lifts the vehicle into the air and cuts into it, before knocking out Snow Job.]

 

>WINGED CREATURE: *roars*

 

>SNOW JOB: Whoa! Yah!

 

TOM: See what i mean?

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Bravo! Bravo, dear friends!

 

>DESTRO: He knows these people?   
  


>COBRA COMMANDER: *to the winged creature* You are as impressive as ever!

 

>WINGED CREATURE: *backhands Cobra Commander so hard he flies backward*

 

CROW: I gotta admit, I’ve been hoping someone would do that all movie.

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: You struck me! Golobulus will have your head for this!

 

>PYTHONA: It is not his head you should be worrying about, Cobra Commander.

 

>COBRA COMMANDER (surprised): Pythona! 

 

>PYTHONA: You will all come with me now.

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: No… NOOOOOO!

 

[Cobra Commander runs to a nearby Cobra vehicle and attempts to escape.]

 

>PYTHONA: Nemesis Enforcer, fetch Cobra Commander.

 

MIKE: Do it and you’ll earn yourself a milk bone! Yes you will! Yes you will!

 

[The winged creature flies to Cobra Commander and grabs him before flying off with him.]

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: No! Release me! I order you to let me go! Nooo!

 

TOM: Is it really smart to ask him to let you go while he’s holding you hundreds of feet off the ground?

 

CROW: No, it isn’t smart, which is exactly why it’s something Cobra Commander would do.

 

[The Cobra soldiers are taken captive by Pythona and her soldiers.]   
  


>RIPPER: Where are you taking the others?

 

>PYTHONA: You will find out soon enough, Dreadnok Ripper.

 

>ZANDAR: You know us?

 

MIKE (as Pythona): I know you look stupid, but in this universe, that’s not saying much.

 

>PYTHONA: We know everything. We know that Serpentor has been captured by G.I. Joe, and you must rescue him.

 

>THRASHER: Fight the Joes?

 

>BUZZER: Are you balmy?

 

>ZARTAN: We don’t know who you are, where you come from, or even what side you’re on! Why should we risk our necks on your behalf?

 

>PYTHONA: Does this answer your question?

 

[She reveals a giant ruby gem.]

 

>ZARTAN (amazed): A gem of that size, answers all my questions.

 

MIKE: You’re not even a jeweler! That could just be made of glass for all you know!

 

[Meanwhile, at G.I. Joe HQ, in General Hawk’s office.]

 

>DUKE: 24 hours and zip from Roadblock and his unit.

 

>HAWK: They’re smart and tough. No reason to write them off yet.

 

>DUKE: Agreed, but who is gonna take their place if Cobra hits us now? We’ve got the BET and Serpentor now General Hawk. The fang gang is bound to take a whack at ‘em!

 

TOM: The Fang Gang sounds like a bad rap group.

 

MIKE (rapping poorly): Yo our name is Fang Gang and we’re here to say...

 

>FLINT: And we’ll need all the Joes we can get to whack back. What if I lead a search party after Roadblock’s unit?

 

>HAWK: Okay, find ‘em and bring ‘em back! I’ll have the BET transferred to a maximum security station while you’re away.

 

>FLINT, ICEBERG, and LIFELINE: Yo Joe! *leave the room*

 

>DUKE: Sir, I’ve already ordered Beach Head to fast forward the training of our recruits. The sooner they can graduate, the sooner they can fight.

 

>HAWK: That’s easier said than done. First they’ve got to survive Beach Head.

 

CROW: How scary can a guy named Beach Head be?

 

MIKE: Hey, at least he didn’t get one of the  _ really  _ stupid names like “Footloose” or  “Toll Booth”. Those are real Joes by the way, look it up.

 

[At that very moment Beach Head is training the five new recruits, known as the Rawhides. Their names are Chuckles, Tunnel Rat, Big Lob, Jinx, and Law.]

 

>BEACH HEAD: Hut and ho! I want a stone cold, righteous attention.

 

CROW: Righteous? Someone watched too much Bill & Ted.

 

>BEACH HEAD: Your chin is down, your chest out, your gut in, your face mean! Cuz you’re rough, tough, fighting machines. *shaking Law’s hand* Thank you, it’s good to see one of you is a real trooper.

 

>LAW: De nada. Let’s look sharp, eh compadres?

 

> TUNNEL RAT: That better, sweetheart?

 

>BEACH HEAD: Don’t you call me sweetheart! You six rawhides, you’re gonna learn soldierin’... Hey, there’s only five of ya… Where is that gold plated goof off Lieutenant Falcon?

 

TOM: He just noticed he wasn’t there, this far into his speech?

 

>JINX: *shrugs* Terrific question.

 

>BIG LOB: Man said he had errands to do. Go to the tailor, wallpaper his foot locker, weird stuff.

 

>TUNNEL RAT: *blows a bubble gum bubble* I think he had a date or something.

 

>BEACH HEAD: Hut and ho! Now, i wanna see what you Rawhides are really made of. 

 

[Later, elsewhere at the Joe’s compound, Lieutenant Falcon is showing a girl around in an off limits area.]

 

>HEATHER: Are you sure it’s safe? Why just thinking about Serpentor being locked up in here gives me goosebumps all over my body.

 

>LT. FALCON: *after opening the main door* Don’t worry about it Heather. When you’re lucky enough to have Lieutenant Falcon for a guide, you have nothing to fear except Falcon, himself.

 

MIKE: Creepy.

 

CROW: Also, seriously?! The leader of the world’s most powerful terrorist organization is kept where any recruit and his civilian girlfriend can enter, with no security checks? They might as well have just locked him up in Mayberry County Jail.

 

>HEATHER: Don’t try spookin’ me, Falcon. I’m scared enough as it is.

 

>LT. FALCON: Come on! You can relax with me.  Hey, you see those tech manuals over there. Now just suppose they were Cobra creeps. Look out! *fires off a shot that ricochets several times around the room, before hitting all three books.*

 

TOM (sarcastically): Oh, wow, you can shoot three unarmed books, how impressive.

 

CROW: As opposed to three armed books?

 

TOM: Shut up, you know what I meant!

 

>HEATHER: Oooh, do it again, Falcon, please!

 

>LT. FALCON: Watch this, over my shoulder.

 

[Falcon fires a shot over his shoulder, but when Duke walks in, it only barely misses his head, burning off some of his hair.]

 

CROW (as Duke): Hey, you could’ve killed me! But more importantly, my haircut!

 

>LT. FALCON: Duke! What are you doing here?

 

>DUKE: My duty, which is more than you seem able to do. Didn’t it occur to you a military prison is no place for a date?

 

MIKE (as Falcon): Well, she wanted to go to the mall, and I wanted to go to Hooters, so we ended up compromising.

 

>HEATHER: *to Lt. Falcon* I thought you said you were in charge.

 

[Duke then notices Heather has a camera strapped around her wrist.]

 

>DUKE: A camera! You let her bring a camera in here! I’m taking that film!

 

>HEATHER: I didn’t know…

 

>LT. FALCON: Mellow out, she didn’t take any pictures.

 

>DUKE: *crushing the film in his fist* Film and visitors are forbidden here Lt. Falcon. You’re supposed to be aware of those regulations.

 

>LT. FALCON: I’ll take the lady elsewhere,  _ sir _ . *to Heather* C’mon, babe. This is starting to get boring. 

 

>DUKE: I’ll show you boring, mister!

 

CROW (as Duke): I’m going to talk to you about yarn, while watching paint dry, and eating rice cakes with room temperature water, damn it!

 

[Jinx, the female ninja, walks in.]

 

>DUKE: Jinx! Escort this young lady off the base, on the double.

 

>JINX: *grabs Heather* Right, let’s go, Goldilocks.

  
  


>HEATHER: I had a wonderful time, Falcon!

 

TOM (as Heather): I just love getting kicked off military bases!

 

[Jinx drags Heather out of the room and escorts her to her car.]

 

>DUKE: You’re dangerously close to insubordination, mister!

 

>LT. FALCON: And you’re over the line on military protocol! I’m an officer and I’m pulling rank!

 

CROW (as Lt. Falcon): I should be able to endanger as many secure locations as i want!

 

MIKE: When the new recruit can pull rank on the leader of the team, that’s a weird system.

 

>DUKE: Stop right there! The only thing you’re pulling is guard duty until I say otherwise!

 

[Heather is driving away from the base, when she pulls over next to a lake and starts to strip down to a tight fitting floral swimsuit.]

 

CROW: Hello Nurse!

 

[She is then surprised by one of the Dreadnoks.]

 

>THRASHER: Taking a dip, love?

 

[She throws him into the lake, and removes her wig, revealing her true identity.]

 

>THRASHER: Zarana?! I didn’t know it was you!

 

[The rest of the Dreadnoks appear.]

 

>ZARTAN: Neatly done, sister. I trust your mission was equally well executed.

 

>ZARANA: Duke took the film in my camera, but not in my earrings.

 

[Zarana hands over the earrings, and Zartan opens them to reveal secret hidden cameras.]

 

>ZARANA: We’ll soon know everything we need to know to penetrate the Joe’s stockade.

 

CROW: *laughs* She said “penetrate”!

 

[Pythona and Nemesis Enforcer arrive in their creepy organic submersible vehicle.]

 

>TORCH: Blimey, it’s a bloomin’ sea monster!

 

>PYTHONA: Excellent, Zarana. We shall use your information to free my lord, Serpentor. *eyes glow red* Tonight.

 

[In his cell at the Joe’s compound, Serpentor throws his pillow at the laser bars in anger.]

 

>ALPINE: I got the nasty little feeling like a train’s coming ahead, and I’m going to be under it. Know what I mean, Gung Ho?

 

>GUNG HO: Yeah, we’re all antsy tonight Alpine, but don’t sweat it. That new kid, Lieutenant Falcon, is guarding our outer perimeter. If anyone’s dumb enough to try anything, they have to get through him first. I figure he’ll give us all the warning we need.

 

TOM: Speaking of “dumb enough”, who the hell thought it was a good idea to give him such an important job?

 

MIKE: Oh, come on, give him a second chance, I’m sure he’s not that bad…

 

[The camera pans over to Lieutenant Falcon’s chair, which is empty.]

 

MIKE: *sighs* Nevermind.

 

[At the motorpool, Jinx is working on one of the vehicles, when Falcon shows up and steals her tools.]

 

>LT. FALCON: Nice legs for a grease monkey, soldier.

 

>JINX: Falcon!

 

[Falcon slaps Jinx on the butt, causing her to hit her head.]

 

>JINX: Ow!

 

>LT. FALCON: Want me to kiss it and make it better?

 

[He then tries to kiss her without consent.]

 

TOM: Man, he is just the worst.

 

CROW and MIKE (in unison): Agreed.

 

[Jinx shoves him away.]

 

>JINX: Consider this motorpool enemy territory.

 

>LT. FALCON: You’re supposed to be glad to see me.

 

CROW: Has anyone ever been glad to see you? For any reason? I doubt it.

 

>JINX: And you’re supposed to be on guard duty.

 

>LT. FALCON: Oh, it’s Heather, isn’t it? When I explain about her, you’re gonna feel so silly.

 

>JINX: Stow it, Falcon. I’m allergic to baloney, and you should be guarding Serpentor.

 

>LT. FALCON: Don’t sweat it, no one can even get close to the stockade without an ID bracelet.

 

[Cut to Zarana getting in using an ID bracelet.]

 

>LT. FALCON: And even if they faked the bracelet, the pentaplastic shield would stop ‘em cold.

 

MIKE (faking amazement): Pentaplastic? That’s like five whole plastics!

 

[Pythona cuts through the shield effortlessly with her fingernails.]

 

>LT. FALCON: But, for the sake of argument, suppose our mythical intruders did make it into Serpentor’s cell block.

 

>JINX: Yeah?

 

>LT. FALCON: They’d still have to blast through a couple yards of superhard concrete.

 

[Torch uses a bomb to blow through the walls.]

 

>JINX: Uh huh. 

 

>LT. FALCON: Then they’d have to get past three of our best guys.

 

CROW (sarcastically): An entire three? Wow, that’s so many guards for only the leader of the most powerful terrorist organization on Earth!

 

>LT. FALCON: It’s not just unlikely, it’s impossible.

 

[Meanwhile, the three Joes guarding Serpentor are in the middle of a firefight with the Dreadnoks, when Alpine notices...]

 

>ALPINE: The alarm circuit’s been cut! *to Gung Ho* How’re you at splicing?

 

>GUNG HO: Nothing like a little on the job training.

 

CROW: Really?! Your entire alarm system runs through a single exposed cable! You guys are starting to make Cobra look competent!

 

[Gung Ho starts to reconnect the wires.]

 

>PYTHONA: He must not reconnect that alarm!

 

[Nemesis Enforcer flies through the air and attacks Gung Ho, only to be distracted by Bazooka, who hits the creature over the head with a grenade launcher.]

 

TOM: Um, Bazooka, that’s not how you’re supposed to use a grenade launcher…

 

MIKE: You’d think based on his name he’d know that.

 

[Nemesis Enforcer knocks out Bazooka, but is kicked in the face by Gung Ho and tackled by Alpine.]

 

>ALPINE: Keep splicin’!

 

[Gung Ho manages to set off the alarm just as he and Alpine are knocked out. The alarm is heard in the motorpool…]

 

>LT. FALCON: No, it can’t be! Oh brother, you are bad luck!

 

>JINX: Hey, you’re not exactly a rabbit’s foot yourself!

 

[Serpentor is freed, allowing him to get to a car and escape.] 

 

>DUKE: After them! Deploy the Recon Sleds!

 

[Lieutenant Falcon and Jinx get to the holding facility, just in time to be too late to do anything.]

 

>HAWK: Falcon! Take a good look at what your irresponsibility has cost us. Because you deserted your post, an enemy force was able to penetrate security, free Serpentor, and injure three good men.

 

CROW: *laughs* He said “penetrate.”

 

>HAWK: You’re confined to quarters until court martial. Get him out of my sight. 

 

[Jinx gasps.]

 

TOM: What? Did it just now dawn on you you’re dating a reckless, charmless, garbage pile of a human being?

 

MIKE: Harsh… but accurate.

 

[Back in the Himalayas, the Joes imprisoned there bear witness to a gross flying creature carrying several people within.]

 

>ROADBLOCK: Even their Air Force is ugly.

 

[The flying… thing lands before what appears to be the leader of these guys. Out of it comes Serpentor, who kneels before the leader.]

  
  


TOM: Wait, did he just come out of it’s anus? That’s hardly a first class way to travel...

 

>SERPENTOR: I, Serpentor of Cobra, salute you, most noble one. Pythona tells me i owe you my freedom.

 

>GOLOBULUS: Your freedom, and your life. Know that I am Golobulus, supreme ruler of this kingdom of Cobra-La.

 

CROW: Really? Cobra-La? That’s the name you decided on? You know, you could have devoted more than ten seconds to coming up with a name for the main villains of the movie.

 

>GOLOBULUS: It was I who created you, Serpentor. You are mine.

 

>DOCTOR MINDBENDER: No, Serpentor is the product of my genetic engineering!

 

>DESTRO: Silence, doctor.

 

>DOCTOR MINDBENDER: But we combed the tombs of history’s most powerful leaders for DNA!

 

>DESTRO: Didn’t it ever occur to you that such a brilliant plan was beyond the capacity of even your fine intelligence?

 

MIKE: Brilliant plan? It sounds like a pretty standard cheezy Sci-Fi premise to me.

 

>DOCTOR MINDBENDER: But it…

 

>GOLOBULUS: You perceive the facts correctly, Destro. I implanted the idea and the skill in Doctor Mindbender’s rather pedestrian brain with this *holds up a small insect* a psychic motivator.

 

>DESTRO: I offer you my most enthusiastic obedience.

 

>TOMAX and XAMOT (in unison, of course): And we too.

 

>DOCTOR MINDBENDER: Then so say we all!

 

TOM: Except for Baroness, who they forgot to put in this scene with the others, apparently.

 

>GOLOBULUS: It is our greater destiny which concerns me now. Where is the Broadcast Energy Transmitter?

 

>SERPENTOR: I was unable to capture it, but I shall not fail you again my lord.

 

>GOLOBULUS: Let’s hope not, Serpentor. I would hate to lose you. However, you will have other opportunities to serve me. First, a graver matter lies before us. The trial of Cobra Commander!

 

MIKE: *makes the sound from Law & Order*

 

[Back at the Joes’ HQ...]

 

>HAWK: Lieutenant Falcon, i can’t understand how an arrogant misfit like you got into this outfit in the first place.

 

TOM: (as Hawk) I mean, is that shirt made of silk and velvet? It’s such a good outfit!

 

[As Falcon is getting chewed out, his friends are listening from outside.]

 

>TUNNEL RAT: They gonna shoot Falcon?

 

>LAW: Not now, this is just a preliminary hearing.

 

>HAWK: Three good men injured. Serpentor freed by some bizarre new enemy. All because you, can’t obey orders! Your record is a shameful parade of insubordination and gross dereliction of duty. We searched your file, in the hope of finding some act of merit to offset the maximum penalty. We found… none.

 

>DUKE: If it pleases the court, I ask that the defendant be spared.

 

>HAWK: On what grounds?

 

> LT. FALCON: Duke, don’t.

 

>DUKE: I just know underneath it all there’s a Joe worth saving. Falcon is my half-brother.

 

>HAWK: We should confer on this. Duke, remove the defendant.

 

[Duke does as he is told, escorting Falcon outside.]

 

>LT. FALCON: Don’t do me any more favors, Duke. You’ve done more than enough already,  _ big brother _ .

 

CROW: Yes, he has! Would it kill you to be grateful, or at the very least, less obnoxious?

 

>JINX: Falcon, Duke’s trying to help.

 

>LT. FALCON: How? By busting my chops every chance he gets?

 

>DUKE: I promised our mother I would keep an eye on him. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken the job.

 

>TUNNEL RAT: You do the crime, you oughtta do the time.

 

>BIG LOB: Yeah, now you might get penalized for his screw ups.

 

>LT. FALCON: Hey, nobody’s gonna take the rap for me! I don’t need your help anymore, Duke! Get out of my life!

 

CROW: You’re not my real brother!

 

>LOW LIGHT: *opening the door to the court chambers* It’s showtime.

 

TOM: What a bad impression! That didn’t sound anything like Michael Keaton!

 

>HAWK: Lieutenant Falcon, it is the judgement of this tribunal that you not be bound over for court martial…

 

MIKE: See kids? Nepotism really works!

 

>HAWK: But you still must answer for the serious charges against you! Falcon, you’re gonna learn what it means to be a Joe even if it kills you.

 

CROW: Please, let it kill him.

 

>HAWK: I’m sending you over to the Slaughterhouse!

 

TOM: No! Not the Slaughterhouse! I don’t want to have to see how hot dogs are made! That’s the kind of stuff you can never unsee…

 

[With that, Mike and the bots leave the theatre.]

 

[Later, on the bridge…]

 

TOM: Gypsy! You will not believe what I learned today!

 

GYPSY *sarcastically*: What two plus two is?

 

TOM: No, even bigger! You see earlier I was reading out of Crow’s diary, and I found a love poem... about me!

 

GYPSY: You?

 

TOM: Yes, me.

 

GYPSY: Really? You of all people?

 

TOM: Okay, you don’t need to sound so surprised.

 

GYPSY: *giggles* I mean seriously…  _ you _ ?

 

TOM: Yes! Crow’s got it bad for me, and I have no idea what to do! I mean, i’m flattered, but also, I am  _ so  _ out of his league.

 

GYPSY (muttering): Keep telling yourself that.

 

TOM: What?

 

GYPSY: Um… I said, “Keep telling yourself that no matter what happens you and Crow will still be friends”

 

TOM: You know what? You’re right. Me and Crow have been pals for countless years now. Something as silly as romantic interest could never change things. Things’ll be the same as always.

 

[Mike and Crow walk in.]

 

CROW: Hey!

 

TOM (flustered): Hey guys… I um… uh… Nice weather we’re having isn’t it? I really love it… I mean like it… I mean mutually respect it platonically as friends!

 

MIKE (confused): Okaaaaay.

 

CROW: What the hell are you talking about anyway? There is no weather, we’re in space.

 

TOM: Well, you see…. What i meant to say was… Gotta go, bye! *dashes out of the room*

 

CROW: Why was he acting weird?

 

GYPSY: Because he’s Tom.

 

CROW: Yeah, that does explain it.

 

MIKE: *looks into the camera* We’ll be right back.


	3. Itty Bitty Ditty Bag

[Mike and the bots reenter the theatre, as the trial of Cobra Commander begins, with him trapped in some sort of clamshell..]

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: You have no jurisdiction over me. Release me at once! I promise I’ll- *gets wrapped up in tentacles* AAAAAH!

 

>GOLOBULUS: Be silent! Or be silenced…

 

TOM: Cobra Commander being silent? That’s crazy talk!

 

>COBRA COMMANDER (scared): I am always prepared to listen to reason, most honored sire.

 

>RIPPER: Hey Zartan, what’s with all this legal fegal palather?

 

>TORCH: Yeah, if they wanna trash ol’ chromedome, why don’t they just get on with it?

 

MIKE: Imagine being so much of an outlaw that the very concept of a legal system is alien to you.

 

CROW: Or it’s just because they’re both so much of an idiot.

 

MIKE: That too.

 

>GOLOBULUS: Because, Dreadnoks, we are civilized! And a great wrong has been inflicted upon Cobra-La, by Cobra Commander! That wrong must be avenged, in accordance with our ancient traditions! Let the web of remembrance tell the tale.

 

[Some sort of mystical light appears, which then triggers a flashback sequence.]

 

>GOLOBULUS: Forty thousand years ago, the glory of Cobra-La dominated this planet, but an age of Ice destroyed much of what we built.

 

[In the flashback, giant icicles burst out of the ground destroying random buildings.]

 

CROW: That… isn’t how the ice age happened. At all.

 

>GOLOBULUS: And with it, began the time of the barbarians. Surprisingly, they evolved.

 

TOM: What? HOMO ERECTUS is evolving. Congratulations! Your HOMO ERECTUS evolved into NEANDERTHAL.

 

CROW: *laughs* You said “erectus”.

 

>BARONESS: If you ask me, some of them did not evolve.

 

[The Dreadnoks are right in front of her picking their ears and scratching themselves.]

 

>GOLOBULUS: Gradually, they mastered a technology based on inorganic lifeless substances. Their culture was a travesty of our own older ways, and a threat to our very existence. We retreated to preserve our ways and await an opportunity to reclaim the Earth. Generations passed, and then, a brilliant young nobleman came to my attention. Even though disfigured by a labratory accident…

 

[The flashback shows the guy getting exposed to spores, causing several eyes to grow out of his face.]

 

CROW: EYE bet he didn’t SEE that coming.

 

MIKE and  TOM: Boooooo!

 

>GOLOBULUS: He was my choice to go into the world and raise a mighty army, and to destroy the so-called “human civilization”, which had driven us into exile. You were my hope… Cobra Commander. And you failed me miserably!

 

MIKE: Well, that’s a cooler backstory for Cobra Commander than in the comics where he was just a disgruntled former used car salesman. Once again, that’s real, look it up.

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: I was betrayed! My troops lack courage! It was not my fault!

 

>GOLOBULUS: You failed!

 

>COBRA COMMANDER:  No! Your precious creation Serpentor defiled your dreams of conquest!

 

CROW: “Defiled your dreams” sounds like the plot of an X-rated Nightmare on Elm Street movie.

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Destroy him, I say! Destroy him!

 

MIKE (as Foghorn Leghorn): I say, I say, Destroy him, son.

 

[Cobra Commander is dragged outside by Nemesis Enforcer, to an area filled with weird plants.]

 

>GOLOBULUS: Behold! The culmination of centuries. The ultimate fruit of hypergenetic manipulation.

 

TOM: That’s when regular genetic manipulation eats too much sugar.

 

>GOLOBULUS: A weapon no enemy can withstand. In several hours, these magnificent fungusoids…

 

MIKE: Okay, now he’s just making up words!

 

>GOLOBULUS:...will mature, and launch hundreds of giant pods into orbit. The pods will bear spores, and the spores will degenerate all organisms they touch, mutating them into primitive, incompetent life forms.

 

CROW: Primitive and incompetent? We’ll be turned into an entire species of Lieutenant Falcons!

 

>PYTHONA: When the pods ripen, they will burst, and shower the Earth with enough spores to reduce the entire human race to the level of mindless beasts.

 

MIKE (as Golobulus): Hey! This was my evil monologue! Get your own!

 

>GOLOBULUS: Only those beneath Cobra-La’s ice dome will be spared. But the pods will not ripen in freezing space without energy, and that is why, i must have…

 

>SERPENTOR: The Broadcast Energy Transmitter, of course!

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Fool, you haven’t got the BET! You don’t even know where it is! Your plan is laughable!

 

TOM: Wasn’t he sucking up to this guy just one scene ago? Isn’t that a better idea than antagonizing the guy who has you at his mercy?

 

CROW: Yeah, but, and I can’t stress this enough, he’s an idiot.

 

>GOLOBULUS: But your punishment will not be.

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Punishment? What about my trial?

 

>GOLOBULUS: It’s over, and the verdict is guilty! Guilty of the one unforgivable crime. Failure.

 

TOM: Not surprising you’d find him guilty, failure is like Cobra Commander’s main defining trait.

 

[Nemesis Enforcer brings one of the spore pods over.]

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Nooo! Nooo! Not the spores!

 

MIKE (as Nicolas Cage): Not the bees, not the bees!

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: I’m a citizen of Cobra-La! Not the spores!

 

[Cobra Commander is exposed to the spores, and he then rips his shirt…]  


CROW: Holy cow! Cobra Commander is strangely jacked! I mean, is that a seven pack?

 

MIKE: Like it or not, that’s what peak performance looks like.

 

[...allowing us to see as his body grows scales as he begins to transform.]

 

>ZARANA: Ooh, how bizarre!

 

TOM: What part of this subplot hasn’t been bizarre?

 

>GOLOBULUS: Nemesis Enforcer, throw this worthless sewage into the abyss of the oblivion.

 

MIKE: Don’t worry, it’s nicer than it sounds. They’ve got pizza there! Of course, it has pineapple on it…

 

CROW (as Cobra Commander): NO! Anything but that! Just kill me!

 

>SERPENTOR: No! Put him in with the Joe prisoners, so they can see the fate which awaits them.

 

>PYTHONA: I like that, it’s poetic in its simplicity.

 

>GOLOBULUS: Eh, a trifle melodramatic. Nemesis Enforcer, take him away.

 

[Meanwhile, in a helicopter far above the ground.]

 

>WILD BILL: Yeehaw! There it is, Lift Ticket! Sure don’t look cozy down there.

 

>LIFT TICKET: I don’t think Falcon is supposed to enjoy himself, Wild Bill. Gung Ho, Bazooka, and Alpine aren’t exactly enjoying their hospital stay.

 

[Lift Ticket then chucks a parachute at Lt. Falcon’s head.]

 

>LIFT TICKET: Put it on, smart guy!

 

CROW: That must be the only time anyone’s ever called him “smart”.

 

>LT. FALCON: What for? We’re over the middle of nowhere.

 

[As soon as he puts on his parachute, Falcon is unceremoniously kicked out of the helicopter.]

 

>LT. FALCON: Whoa!

 

>LIFT TICKET: Which is exactly where you belong!

 

[Lt. Falcon, unfortunately, survives the fall thanks to his parachute, but he’s not in the clear yet, as someone else immediately appears to pick on him. The camera pans up, showing his attacker.]  


>LT. FALCON: Cobra.

 

TOM: Sure if you missed the giant “no” sign over the cobra symbol, you imbecile.

 

[Lt. Falcon tries to attack the mystery man, only to promptly get his butt handed to him by the guy and his two allies that show up out of nowhere. They’re about to beat the crap out og Falcon, when they are stopped by the sound of a voice.]

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: At ease, disease! *to Lt. Falcon* I’ve been expecting you. My name is Sgt. Slaughter, special drill instructor for G.I. Joe. *grunts loudly*

 

>LT. FALCON: That’s great, Sarge, but I’m trying to cut down on the chicken sweat just now, so if you could excuse me…

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: You’re going nowhere space case. You’re here because you’re an industrial-strength fowl up. My job is to whip you into shape, and I’m talking whip!

 

MIKE (singing “Whip It” by DEVO): Whip it good!

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: There’s only two ways out of my command: On your feet like a man, or in a ditty bag… an itty bitty ditty bag, got it?

 

TOM: Could he be any more of a ham?

 

CROW: He’s a pro wrestler, they’re all like that.

 

>LT. FALCON: Yes, sir!

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: That’s better. Now straighten up and meet the Renegades. They’re not real dependable yet, but when I get through with them, what’re you gonna be?

 

[The men from before all stand at attention.]

 

>RENEGADES (in unison): Perfect.

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: That’s right, perfect. Say hello to Mercer, an ex-Cobra Viper who saw the light.

 

>MERCER: *angrily spits on a scorpion*

 

MIKE (as the scorpion): Hey, what the hell did I do to you?

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: Red Dog, booted out of pro football for unnecessary roughness.

 

TOM: Did you try batting him on the head with a newspaper to get him to stop?

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: And Taurus, a circus acrobat with a few loose bats in his big top.

 

>LT. FALCON: Hi, guys.

 

[The Renegades just walk right past him angrily.]

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: Okay, now that we’re all close friends, let’s head for the Slaughterhouse. *to Lt. Falcon* Grab you gear and start hotfooting it, if you’re gonna be there in time for breakfast. It’s a long haul.

 

>LT. FALCON: You expect me to walk?

 

MIKE (as Goldfinger): No, Mister Bond, I expect you to die!

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: No, you can run. Yo Joe!

 

[Him and the Renegades drive off without Falcon, leaving him behind as it starts to rain.]

 

[Bact at Cobra-La, Cobra Commander is being dragged towards the Joe’s cell.]  


>COBRA COMMANDER: *screaming*

 

>SHIPWRECK (surprised): Well, save my bones for Davy Jones…

 

>SNOW JOB: He gives me chills.

 

>QUICK KICK: What did they do to him?

 

>LADY JAYE: He looks… inhuman.

 

>ROADBLOCK: Forget that man, remember the plan.

 

TOM: Well, it rhymed, so it must be a good idea.

 

>ROADBLOCK: When the guards open the gates, we’re gone.

 

[The three guards do open the gates, allowing the Joes to easily jump them and escape.]

 

CROW: Wow, that was easy. I thought the Joe’s prison had bad security, but at least it’s any amount of security.

 

MIKE: Yeah, if failure is the “one unforgivable crime”, crime rates must be through the roof!

 

>ROADBLOCK: Yo, Joe! Let’s go!

 

[The Joes flee, followed by Cobra Commander.]

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Wait for me!

 

[Not far away…]

 

SERPENTOR: The world shall soon be yours, great Golobulus.

 

>GOLOBULUS: May your deeds match your words, Serpentor.

 

TOM: I love they have to keep repeating their names just in case the audience has forgotten.

 

MIKE: Oh, who could forget Serpentor and … Um… *reads smudged writing on hand* Globglogabgalab.

 

[Serpentor and Golobulus hear a commotion behind them.]

 

>SERPENTOR: The Joes are escaping! We must destroy them!

 

>GOLOBULUS: *annoyed* You will find that Cobra-La is prepared to handle all contingencies, my impetuous friend.

 

TOM (as Serpentor): *gasps* He called me his friend!

 

CROW (as Serpentor): Let’s go make matching bracelets!

 

[The Joes are continuing their getaway.]

 

>QUICK KICK: This way out! Yo Joe!

 

[Roadblock falls behind and is confronted by Cobra Commander.]

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: No! It’s a trap!

 

>ROADBLOCK: Get out of my face!

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: No! Look!

 

[As the other Joes try running through a field, the plants come to life and grab them.]

 

>PYTHONA: See Serpentor? There is no escape from Cobra-La.

 

>ROADBLOCK: My buddies!

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: There is nothing you can do to save them!

 

[Roadblock goes to strangle Cobra Commander.]

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Wait! I know another way out of Cobra-La! You can save yourself, and fight again!

 

>ROADBLOCK: So, what’s your fee? Snakes don’t give for free.

 

MIKE: He rhymes like Dr. Seuss, but talks like Mr. T,  how much weirder can a character be?

 

TOM (as Mr. T): I pity the fool who don’t protect a Truffula tree.

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Take me with you!

 

>ROADBLOCK: We have a bargain, but play it straight, or there’s no doubt, I’ll turn your eyeballs inside out!

 

MIKE: The rhyming only made that more threatening.

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: *pointing* This way.

 

TOM: I think that’s the first line he said without screaming it for over half an hour.

 

CROW: Don’t expect it to last.

 

[Golobulus watches as Roadblock and the Commander flee, and so at that moment, he makes his decree.]

 

>GOLOBULUS: Nemesis Enforcer, dispose of them.

 

[Nemesis Enforcer flies to Roadblock and throws spores in his eyes.]

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Don’t look!

 

>ROADBLOCK: Aaaaah! My eyes!

 

CROW: EYE bet he didn’t…

 

TOM: Crow! You already said that one!

 

>ROADBLOCK: I can’t see!

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: I’ll be your eyes! *points* Run!

 

MIKE: Uh, he just said he can’t see, so why are you pointing?

 

[Roadblock cradles the Commander in his arms, and starts to make a mad dash.]

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Not that way! To the left!

 

MIKE (singing the Cha Cha Slide by DJ Casper): Take it back now, y’all!

 

>COBRA COMMANDER Now turn! Now straight ahead!

 

[Roadblock and Cobra Commander plunge off a cliff, with both screaming, until they land in the water below.]

 

[Elsewhere in Cobra-La, the spore pods are now launching, as the Cobra members watch from their vehicles.]

 

>BARONESS: Beautiful…

 

>DESTRO: So begins the dawn of our invincibility.

 

>SERPENTOR: Forwards! Our mission is not complete until we return with the Broadcast Energy Transmitter.

 

[In a lagoon below, Roadblock and Cobra Commander wash up against a rock.]

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Useless, all useless.

 

>ROADBLOCK: C’mon! Snap out of it! Neither of us will make it if you don’t hang together.

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: I was once a man… a man.

 

CROW: Well, “man” is a strong word. You were more of an immature, whiny dweeb.

 

MIKE (as Cobra Commander): I was once an immature, whiny dweeb!

 

>ROADBLOCK: I can’t see, but I can still… *grabs something floating in the water* Hey! This is your faceplate!

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Was my mask. Just as I was once a man.

 

[Cobra Commander’s face is fully shown, with it having been transformed into a look of orange scales and oversized teeth.]

 

CROW: He looks like if the Thing from the Fantastic Four has one hell of an overbite.

 

[More spore pods are launching up above.]

 

>ROADBLOCK: I don’t dig that crazy sound, tell me dude, what’s going down?

 

TOM: Hey, that was only a slant rhyme!

 

MIKE: He’s losing his touch.

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: The beginning of the end of human civilization! Unless you warn G.I. Joe in time…

 

>ROADBLOCK: Then let’s move it!

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Straight ahead, a mountain path! That’s it! Faster! Faster!

 

[At the Slaughterhouse, Falcon has finally arrived after his long walk, only to find a table full of empty plates, and mere scraps of food.]

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: Sorry you missed breakfast, Falcon. *burp* But that’s what happens when you’re out of shape. Maybe a little KP will help you get the lead out. *walks over to him* Jump yardbird!

 

[Thus begins Falcon’s training montage! Only instead of an inspiring power ballad playing in the background, it’s a voice over of Sgt. Slaughter.]

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: You’re gonna work until you wish you were dead, and then keep going, because you’re afraid that if you don’t, I won’t let you die.

 

[Later Slaughter is video messaging Duke.]

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: I can’t believe Flint hasn’t found a trace of Roadblock’s unit.

 

>DUKE: The Himalayas are a big hunk of geography, Sargeant. But we can’t wait any longer. I want you to infiltrate the Terrordrome, and see if Cobra knows what happened to Roadblock’s men. Uh, how’s Falcon doing?

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: *looks out the window* I’m looking at him. It’s too soon to be sure, but I think the kid’s got potential. By the way, I won’t tell him you asked.

 

[Outside, a bell rings.]

 

>RED DOG: Dinner already?

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: Not unless you like snake burgers.

 

MIKE (as Red Dog): How did you know? They’re my favorite! Taste just like chicken…

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: We’re gonna infiltrate the Terrordrome on Cobra Island.

 

>MERCER: That’s suicide!

 

>TAURUS: Yeeees, horoscope says it is bad day to travel.

 

MIKE (as Taurus): *pretending to read a newspaper* “Today you will be an outdated, one-dimensional stereotype.” Horoscope always right!

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: Think of it as an extra rough training exercise.

 

>LT. FALCON (sarcastically): Training, huh? Then why don’t we leave our weapons behind and make it really educational.

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: Now that’s what I call a challenge. No weapons!

 

TOM (as Sgt. Slaughter): Sure it’s an important mission with lives on the line, but that shouldn’t keep us from taking unnecessary risks!

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: Let’s move out.

 

>OTHER RENEGADES: *start growling at Lt. Falcon*

 

[Meanwhile, in an airplane hanger…]

 

>DOC: Cobra will never think of looking for the BET in a civilian security lab.

 

>MAINFRAME: Let’s hope not.

 

>LIFELINE: Anyway, it’ll be safer here until our missing buddies return.

 

[One of the people present slips out of the room, and unmasks herself as the Baroness, who then laughs wildly and runs away.]

 

CROW (as Baroness): Sorry, i was thinking of a really funny Garfield strip.

 

TOM: So, she was thinking of something that doesn’t exist.

 

MIKE: Hey! I like Garfield!

 

TOM: You _would_.

 

[On Cobra Island, Sgt. Slaughter and his Renegades make it to the Terrordrome.]

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: Mercer, you know the layout. How do we get in?

 

MIKE: You didn’t think to ask until now?

 

>MERCER: In this stinking swamp, even big bad Cobras need air conditioning. That’s our ticket in.

 

[The renegades climb up a ladder leading to the air vent, then Mercer punches in a code so they can get inside. From there, they are able to reach their destination.]

 

>MERCER: Central control is that way.

 

TOM: An easy to climb ladder, leading to human-sized air vents, that can be accessed by a code you obviously haven’t changed any time lately, and it all leads directly to the very heart of your operation. Are you trying to fail, Cobra?!

 

[Outside, in the central control room.]

 

>SERPENTOR: The Baroness has located the Broadcast Energy Transmitter. The Joes can’t stop us from capturing it now. They’re off balance and undermanned. Strato-Vipers, when the battle is won, to you shall go the honor of flying the transmitter back to Cobra-La.

 

>STRATO-VIPERS: Hail Serpentor! Hail Cobra! Hail Victory!

 

CROW: Hail Hydra! Wait, wrong movie…

 

>RED DOG: You’re not filling your brothers in, Mercer. What’s Cobra-La?

 

MIKE: Cobra Law, It’s the new hit legal drama, fridays on Animal Planet.

 

TOM: The tagline is “Objection Sssussstained.”

 

>MERCER: I never heard of it.

 

>TAURUS: That answer gives me no comfort.

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: Pipe down! I believe him. Right now we need to warn headquarters. Falcon, can you get the word out?

 

>LT. FALCON: No sweat.

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: Then do it. We’ll blow up there armory and rattle reptile from here to Cobra-La.

 

[Falcon does as told, while Slaughter and the other Renegads put a bomb in their armory, after knocking out two guards.]

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: Yo Joe!

 

>RENEGADES: Yo Joe!

 

[In the main security room, Falcon knocks out a Tele-Viper who has intruder flashing on his visor.]

 

CROW: Why put a screen on the outside of his goggles, it just makes it harder for him to see anything!

 

[Falcon then takes control of the computer console, speaking into a cobra shaped microphone, which is kind of silly.]

  


>LT. FALCON: Come in, G.I. Joe. Acknowledge.

 

[The door to the room is blasted in by Cobra soldiers, and after a quick tussle, Falcon is knocked out.]

 

CROW: He should have used his Falcon punch!

 

TOM: No, Crow, that’s Captain Falcon.

 

CROW: I thought he was a lieutenant?

 

TOM: Lt. Falcon is, but Captain Falcon… oh never mind.

 

[Meanwhile, Slaughter and the Renegades are on the run from Cobra’s forces.]

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: It’s time to go bye bye or boom boom. Where’s Falcon?

 

>RED DOG: Who cares? We don’t need-

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: *grabs him by the collar* It’s time you learned we’re a team, Red Dog! We all go home or nobody goes home! Yo Joe!

 

[They then charge back into the base, while Falcon is being interrogated.]

 

>SERPENTOR: *slapping him* How many in your force? What is the purpose of your mission?

 

CROW (as Serpentor): How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

 

>SERPENTOR: You can’t resist forever!

 

>LT. FALCON: You’re right. All I gotta do is hold out for five more minutes.

 

[Shot of the bomb, which has five minutes until detonation.]

 

MIKE: Previously, on “24”.

 

>SERPENTOR: Insolent fool! If you won’t answer me, you can answer Nemesis Enforcer.

 

[Slaughter and the Renegades arrive just in time to save Falcon from Nemesis Enforcer.]

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: Yo Joe! *to Nemesis Enforcer* When I’m done with you, skuzzbucket, they’ll be wiping you off the walls with a squeegee. *tosses away the gun he was using*

 

CROW: He doesn’t even bother trying to shoot a main character, he knows it never works in  this universe.

 

[A firefight breaks out between Cobra and the Joes, while Slaughter is attacked by Nemesis Enforcer.]

 

>SERPENTOR: Nemesis Enforcer, finish him off! We have work to do!

 

[A laser blast almost hits him.]

 

>SERPENTOR *terrified*: Aaaah! Help! Nemesis Enforcer! Help me!

 

TOM (as Serpentor): I want my mommy! This I command!

 

>LT. FALCON: *helps Slaughter up off the ground* You came back for me.

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: Don’t get sloppy. Just point me at that overgrown bat.

 

>TAURUS: No time for rematch! Remember bomb! Must hurry!

 

[At that very second, the bomb goes off, creating a huge explosion that destroys the Terrordrome while the Joes are already leaving on their speedboats.]

 

CROW: How the hell did they get out of the Terrordrome and onto those boats in only five seconds? Did they teleport?

 

>TAURUS: Cobra is finished, yes?

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: Don’t bet your beard on it.

 

[From the rubble of the Terrordrome rises an undamaged protective dome, with Serpentor, Nemesis Enforcer, and all the other main characters inside.]

 

>SERPENTOR: I want their heads! This I command!

 

[Later that night, Cobra launches an attack on the facility where the BET is held.]

 

>DUKE: Cobra’s after the Broadcast Energy Transmitter.

 

>HAWK: You rally the ground troops. I’ll call out the airborne assault team.

 

[Duke boards a ground vehicle, while Hawk takes off in a Skystriker jet. The Rawhides arrive just too late to join them.]

 

>TUNNEL RAT: Hey wait up!

 

>LAW: There goes our ride.

  
>JINX: That ain’t necessarily so!

 

[She runs to a nearby helicopter.]

 

>JINX: I’ll hotwire this baby and we’re out of here.

 

[The Rawhides rush inside.]

 

>BIG LOB: Floor it, Jinx.

 

[She pushes a button on the dash, and the rotors start to spin.]

 

>RAWHIDES: Yo Joe!

 

[The rotors then stop spinning.]

 

>LAW: Aye caramba!

 

CROW (as Bart Simpson): Don’t have a cow, man.

 

>JINX: First person to say anything about my being bad luck is gonna get a knuckle massage. *holds up her fist threateningly*

 

MIKE (as Jinx): But wait, I’m the first person to say anything about it… *punches self in face*

 

[The battle continues to rage on, as Cobra-La aircraft arrive and start wrapping up the Joes with bombs thats shoot out tentacles.]

 

[While that’s going on, the Rawhides continue trying to get the helicopter to work.]

 

>JINX: Okay, Chuckles, give this whirlybird a twirl.

 

[Chuckles manually spins the rotors from on top of the helicopter, and this time, the engine actually starts up.]

 

>JINX: Alright, let’s go!

 

[The helicopter then takes off, with Chuckles still on top.]

 

TOM (as Chuckles): Okay guys, can I get down now? Guys?! GUYS?! GET! ME! DOOOWN!

 

MIKE: Hey, that’s my line.

 

[The helicopter then flies up to where all the fighting is.]

 

JINX: Okay, guys, prove us Rawhides aren’t raw.

 

[Tunnel Rat, Law, and even Chuckles begin shooting at the enemy aircraft.]

 

CROW: Hey, Big Lob, you know you can help too, right? So far you’ve been more useless than Law’s dog.

 

MIKE: You mean Order?

 

CROW: *sighs* Of course that’s his dog’s name.

 

[The Rawhides helicopter is hit with a Cobra-La tentacle bomb, causing it to crash through an entire building. Inexplicably, the Rawhides, all survive unscathed.]

 

>LAW: Man, who ever heard of being shot down by a salad.

 

[Outside, the fight is still raging on, with Hawk leading from inside his Skystriker jet..]

 

>HAWK: Pour it on, Joes. We can’t let them get their hands on the BET. Bandits at Twelve o’clock high! Regroup!

 

>SERPENTOR: Cobra-Lalalalalalalalala!

 

CROW: Just when you thought he couldn’t sound any dumber.

 

>SERPENTOR: Maintain air attack and deploy the marauders.

 

[Giant snakes start bursting out of the ground.]

 

MIKE (as Kevin Bacon in “Tremors”): That’s how they get ya. They’re under the goddamned GROUND!

 

[The monster eats a Tank, and proves invulnerable to weaponry. To make matters worse, two others of the same species also burst out of the ground soon after. The monsters then knock down the wall to the facility, allowing the Dreadnoks to attempt to break open the dome covering the BET. Despite using all they’re weapons, they fail, with Nemesis Enforcer then easily breaking it open with the spikes on the back of his arms.]

 

>DESTRO: Inform Serpentor, the prize is ours!

 

[Outside…]

 

>DUKE: Go for the underbelly, these things aren’t invulnerable after all!

 

TOM: It took you this long to think to just shoot them in the front?

 

[The Dreadnoks are transporting the BET when Serpentor lands his jet in front of them.]

 

>SERPENTOR: At last.

 

[An explosion goes off behind him.]

 

>SERPENTOR: What?!

 

[Sgt. Slaughter, Lt. Falcon, and the Renegades have arrived, and launch another rocket at Serpentor’s jet.]

 

>SERPENTOR: *running away* Evacuate the BET at once!

 

>LT. FALCON: Yo Joe!

 

[Serpentor uses a rocket launcher of his own to blow up Falcon’s vehicle.]

 

>SERPENTOR: Cobra-Lalalalalalalalalala!

 

[Duke sees the whole thing.]

 

>DUKE: Falcon! *runs to him*

 

>SERPENTOR: You young one! You nearly thwarted my destiny!

 

[Serpentor grabs another of his shoulder snakes and straightens it out, but is then attacked by Duke.]

 

>LT. FALCON: Duke!

 

CROW (as Lt. Falcon): I thought I told you to get out of my life!

 

[Serpentor knocks down Duke, and grabs his snake, preparing to throw it.]

 

>SERPENTOR: Die arrogant Earth scum!

 

TOM: Why did he specify “Earth” scum? He’s also from Earth.

 

MIKE: At this point, I’m pretty sure he just purposefully makes every sentence he says as weird as he possibly can.

 

[Serpentor throws the snake at Lt. Falcon, but Duke jumps in front of it.]

 

>DUKE: Noooo!

 

[He is bloodily impaled by the snake, causing him to fall into Falcon’s arms.]

 

MIKE (to the tune of “You Give Love A Bad Name” by Bon Jovi): Snake through the heart! And you’re to blame!

 

>LT. FALCON: Duke? *rips the snake out of his chest, causing blood to spurt out*

 

MIKE: Yeah, needless to say, if there’s ever a foreign object sticking out of someone, don’t just carelessly rip it out. That usually does more damage than just leaving it in.

 

CROW: Thanks, Mike. Now I know.

 

MIKE: And knowing is half the battle.

 

TOM: G.I. JOE!

 

>SERPENTOR: He took the snake meant for your heart, but his sacrifice will be in vain. This I commaaand!

 

[Serpentor runs to the BET and gets in, as it is being carried away by a giant… thing that just swooped down from the sky.]

 

[Up in the sky…]

 

>DOC (on the radio): General Hawk, bad news. Serpentor got the BET, and Duke is seriously injured.

 

>HAWK: See to him, I’m coming in.

 

[Later, the Joes are standing around Duke’s body, looking morose, when Hawk arrives.]

 

>HAWK: How is he, Scarlett?

 

>SCARLETT: Not good.

 

[Lt. Falcon kneels beside Duke.]

 

>DUKE: Guess I can’t look out for you anymore, kid…

 

>LT. FALCON: Don’t say that Duke!

 

TOM: Yeah, what happened to “they never say die”?

 

>LT. FALCON: Doc’ll fix you up.

 

>DUKE: This isn’t Doc’s day for miracles. It’s my own fault. Too slow.

 

>LT. FALCON: No… No… you did it to save me.

 

>DUKE: Promise me you’ll try to get your act together. Be a credit to your country.

 

>LT. FALCON: I’ll make you proud. You’ll see.

 

>DUKE: Yo Joe…

 

[Duke loses consciousness…]

 

>SCARLETT: He’s gone into a coma…

 

MIKE: You can tell it’s a coma just by looking at him? That’s quite impressive for someone who’s never gone to medical school.

 

[Scarlett and Falcon begin to cry.]

 

>SCARLETT (whispers): Duke.

 

>HAWK: Falcon, don’t worry, we’ll do everything we can for Duke. Yo Joe. *cries*

 

[Mike picks up Tom Servo and poses one last question before leaving

the theatre.]

 

MIKE: Why is it when Hawk or Falcon cry they still look manly, but when I do it, I look like, as Crow puts it, “a little poopy diaper baby”?

 

[Later, on the bridge...]

 

MIKE: So Jon asks “Now, where can my pipe be?” and then we see Garfield, and he’s smoking the pipe!

 

CROW: *laughs*

 

MIKE: See Tom, I told you… *looks around* Tom?

 

[Tom, is not there, but instead, he is in Crow’s room again.]

 

TOM: Let’s see… maybe if I read more, I’ll understand why Crow likes me and for how long this has been going on. Hmmm… Oh look at that there’s a new entry. “Dear diary. Once more I find I can’t stop thinking about Servo. His handsomeness. His kindness. His warmth. His friendliness. His gullibleness.” Well, those do all fit me... Wait a second… “I mean how stupid do you have to be to fall for a trick like this? Of course, this isn’t really my diary, I planted this just to mess with you… because you’re an idiot. P.S. Bite my shiny metal…”

 

[Ext. The Satellite of Love.]

 

TOM (shouting): CROOOOOOOW!!!!

 

[On the bridge…]

 

CROW: *chuckles* Ain’t I a stinker?

 

MIKE: *shrugs, and looks into the camera* We’ll be right back.


	4. And This Is For The U.S. of A!

[Mike and the bots reenter the theater, with Tom muttering angrily. In the movie, Serpentor now appears before Golobulus at Cobra-La.]

 

>SERPENTOR: Hail Golobulus! Behold the proof of our victory!

 

[He gestures to the BET, which then activates, shooting energy at the spore pods surrounding Earth. Pythona hands Golobulus a rod with a worm on it.]

 

>GOLOBULUS: When this time worm completes its journey, the pods will ripen, and their spores will burst forth, and this pitiful planet will be ours. *laughs maniacally*

[Dial Tone is typing away on the computer when he discovers something.]

 

>DIAL TONE: General Hawk, I’ve identified an energy source! It’s definitely coming from the BET. Cobra’s got it somewhere in the Himalayas.

 

[Later, in the Joes’ War Room.]

 

>HAWK: Prepare to move out.

 

>LT. FALCON: All I want is Serpentor. Just give me one clear shot.

 

>BEACH HEAD: Not so fast, Rawhide. You’re not going anyplace.

 

>HAWK: Problem, Beach Head?

 

TOM (as Beach Head): Well, my marriage is in shambles and my feet kind of hurt… Oh you mean about the Rawhides...

 

>BEACH HEAD:  Affirmative. I’m not sure the Rawhides are ready yet. And I’m especially not sure about him.

 

>LT. FALCON: But Serpentor…

 

>HAWK: Beach Head is right. The six of you still lack experience.

 

MIKE (as Lt. Falcon): Oh sure, pick on me just because I “lack experience”, and “am a jerk”, and “let Serpentor escape”, and “got captured on my first and only mission”, and “got Duke killed”. What about that says I’m bad at this job?

 

>LT. FALCON: I have a right!

 

>HAWK: What you have is an order, G.I. Joe. Besides, we need someone to guard the base and try to contact Flint.

 

>LT. FALCON: Yes, sir.

 

TOM (sarcastically): Oh, because he did such a good job guarding the base last time.

 

[In the Himalayas, Roadblock is carrying the now almost completely mutated Cobra Commander.]

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Ussselesss, all ussselesss. I was a man. Yesss, oh yesss. I wasss a man. I wasss a man. Yesss.

 

[Roadblock falls over, and then starts throttling Cobra Commander.]

 

>ROADBLOCK: Stop saying that, you hear? You’re making me crazy.

 

TOM: Wow, when the guy who compulsively rhymes finds what you say annoying, you know it’s pretty bad.

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Was a man! Men may rule, but serpents never wasss.

 

MIKE: That line sounds like if someone put “Paradise Lost” in a blender.

 

>ROADBLOCK: You’re going snakehouse, man! You gotta resist!

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Yesss, was once a man! *attacks Roadblock*

 

>ROADBLOCK: Stop strangling me!

 

[The two fall down a hill and roll right into a G.I. Joe vehicle.]

 

TOM: What are the chances?

 

CROW: Considering how often bad movies use coincidence to drive the plot… 100%.

 

>ICEBERG: Some rescue party we turned out to be. Roadblock found us.

 

>ROADBLOCK: Who is it? I don’t need to see clear to fracture your rear!

 

>LIFELINE: Easy, Roadblock, you’re with friends.

 

>ROADBLOCK: Lifeline? Ah, Lifeline… *hugs him, laughing crazily* Lifeline, haha!

 

[At Joe HQ, Lt. Falcon and Jinx get in touch with the rescue party.]

 

>LT. FALCON: Flint! Roadblock! Hawk’s leading a strike force to Serpentor’s home base. A place called Cobra-La.

 

>FLINT: Patch me through! We’ve got to warn him!

 

>LT. FALCON: Warn him? About what?

 

>ROADBLOCK: Plants, man. The kind that gobble you up.

 

[At Cobra-La, the Joes have just blown their way in with explosives.]

 

>MISC. JOES: Yo Joe!

 

[In Golobulus’ chamber…]

 

>SERPENTOR: Sound the alarm! The Joes are attacking!

 

>GOLOBULUS: I am aware of that, Serpentor. I am aware of everything. All will be accomplished in the fullness of time.

 

[At that moment Hawk gets a dire message…]

 

>ROADBLOCK: Hawk, don’t send ‘em in! Cobra-La is booby trapped!

 

>HAWK: How Roadblock?!

 

>ROADBLOCK: Some kind of weird tree, man. Where those leaves grow, you can’t survive, that giant plant eats Joes alive.

 

[Of course, at that moment, almost all of the Joes are running right into said murderous forest.]

 

TOM: Really? Nobody thought it would be a good idea to maybe try checking for booby traps before sending in the ENTIRE group?

 

>HAWK: Get back! Halt! Watch out!

 

TOM, MIKE, and CROW (in unison): For snakes!

 

[Giant vines begin wrapping up all the Joes.]

 

>HAWK: Get back! Get back!

 

MIKE (singing “Get Back” by the Beatles): Get back to where you once belonged!

 

[In the end, even Hawk is grabbed by the vile vines, as Lt. Falcon and Jinx watch it happen through live video footage. This happens just as the other Rawhides show up.]

 

>LAW: Que pasa, Jinx?

 

>JINX: Hawk and the others were ambushed entering Cobra-La.

 

[The video on the monitor switches to a visual of Flint carrying Cobra Commander.]

 

>FLINT: Look at Cobra Commander. Those orbiting pods contain degenerative spores, and if the BET isn’t shut down, the pods will open and release enough spores to mutate every man, woman, and child on Earth.

 

CROW: Meh, as long as robots are still okay, I’m fine with that.

 

MIKE: You wouldn’t be affected if I turned into a hideous, disgusting creature?

 

CROW: What do you mean “turn into”?

 

MIKE: I walked into that one.   
  


>LT. FALCON: That’s not gonna happen! Right?

 

>BIG LOB: Right! Let’s win this game.

 

[In the Himalayas, Lifeline is giving Roadblock an eye test.]

 

>LIFELINE: I think you’re vision can be restored, but there’s nothing I can do for the snake. The mutation process is irreversible.

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Wasss a man!

 

TOM: We get it already!

 

[A helicopter is landing nearby.]

 

>ROADBLOCK: I hear something, and now I can see it coming in!

 

[Out of the Helicopter comes the Rawhides.]

 

>FLINT: I never thought I’d be glad to see you show up, Falcon.

 

>LT. FALCON: Thanks Flint. Now Roadblock, how are we going to get in to save Hawk and the others?

 

>ROADBLOCK: Cobra Commander is the only one who can tell us.

 

[The Joes then set off, and eventually reach Cobra-La.]

 

>ROADBLOCK: *to Cobra Commander* Which way now man? You hear me man?

 

[Cobra Commander just hisses in response.]

 

MIKE (as Roadblock): What’s that, man? Little Timmy’s stuck in a well?

 

>LT. FALCON: Forget it. He’s completely turned into a snake.

 

>FLINT: Now how do we know which way to go?

 

>TUNNEL RAT: Hey wait, listen…

 

[The sound of a roaring river is audible.]

 

>TUNNEL RAT: I think I just found a back door.

 

[Down below, a running river is coming out of a giant hole in the side of the cliff, and the Dreadnoks are there. ]

 

>TORCH: How come we gotta seal this tunnel?

 

>ZARANA: If we don’t those spores will filter in and mutate us, you bug brain. You wanna wake up a clam or something?

 

CROW: If that happened i bet he’d feel like quite a CHOWDERhead…

 

TOM and MIKE: Booooooooo!

 

CROW: Okay, okay, from here on out I’ll be silent on the pun front. In fact, you could say that I’ll CLAM up.

 

TOM: I hate you.

 

CROW: You’re welcome.

 

[Tunnel Rat emerges from the water in front of them.]

 

>TORCH: *pointing his gun at Tunnel Rat* ‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello.

 

>LAW: *sneaking up behind him* Adios, adios, adios.

 

[Law and jinx knock out Torch and Zarana, while the other Joes take out the rest of the Dreadnoks.]

 

TOM: It really isn’t a good idea to announce your sneak attack by quipping BEFORE you do it.

 

CROW: Yeah, if those guys had the reflexes of a toddler they might have actually stopped you.

 

[We cut to the Dreadnoks’ helicopters flying overhead.]

 

>BARONESS: Those fool Dreadnoks. They fly too close to the carnal tree.

 

>DOCTOR MINDBENDER: *looking through binoculars* Wait… Those aren’t Dreadnoks. They’re G.I. Joe!

 

[The helicopters then open fire on the Cobra soldiers, while Big Lob flies his chopper to the tree holding the other Joes.]

 

>BIG LOB: And Big Lob makes his move!

 

MIKE: Mike thinks talking about yourself in the third person is kind of weird.

 

[Big Lob’s chopper is hit by a laser blast.]

 

>BIG LOB: Uh oh…

 

CROW: Yeah, that’s an understatement.

 

>BIG LOB: Aggressive defense. He takes a hit but keeps coming. Will the clock run out before his mission is complete? No!

 

[Big Lob pulls the pin on a grenade, and leaves it in his helicopter before jumping out and landing on the side of Flint’s.]

 

>BIG LOB: He shoots… is it good?

 

[The helicopter crashes into the tree and explodes, causing it to fall over and die, releasing the captured Joes from its vines.]

 

>BIG LOB: Yeah!

 

TOM: So your plan was to crash your helicopter into where the Joes were, and then let a giant tree fall with them inside? Wow, that’s a horrible idea, unless you WANT to get your comrades killed.

 

[Down on the ground, Cobra’s forces are regrouping.]

 

>DESTRO: Forward! Show no mercy!

 

[Within seconds, all the Joes are shot down, but of course, none of them die.]

 

TOM: Apparently helicopter crashes just naturally have a 0% fatality rate in this universe.

 

[At this point, the freed Joes regain consciousness, and join in the battle, defeating the Cobra forces in an all out brawl.]

 

>LT. FALCON: General Hawk! We’ve got to shut down the BET.

 

>HAWK: Then let’s do it soldier! Yo Joe!

 

>ALL THE JOES (in unison): YO JOE!

 

[In his palace…]

 

>GOLOBULUS: They’re advancing on the palace. They are too late, but to assuage your fears, I shall take precaution. Organisms of Cobra-La! Detach and defend to the death!

 

[Suddenly all the organisms making up Cobra-La come to life, and attack the Joes. In the commotion, only Sgt. Slaughter, Lt. Falcon, and Jinx are able to make it to the palace. Once there, Falcon spots the BET, which is shooting a giant, glowing red energy beam upwards.]

 

>LT. FALCON: There!

 

CROW: Uh, yeah, Falc, it was kind of hard to miss.

 

>GOLOBULUS: Obliterate them!

 

>SERPENTOR: Vengeance is ours!

 

TOM: Vengeance for what? Your side hasn’t suffered a single casualty all movie?

 

CROW (as Serpentor, whining): Yeah, but they were meanies…

 

[Nemesis Enforcer throws a starfish like a shuriken, damaging Sgt. Slaughter’s weapon.]

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: The big sleaze-bat belongs to me!

 

MIKE: Because that went so well last time.

 

[Pythona attacks Jinx and slices her weapon with her nails.]

 

>JINX (sarcastically): Terrific.

 

CROW: She’s as done with this movie as we are.

 

>SERPENTOR: Your brother fell before my wrath, and so shall you!

 

TOM: Wait, how did he know they were brothers? I would say family resemblance, but EVERYONE in this movie looks like a generic chisel jawed muscle man.

 

[After a short scuffle, Serpentor tosses a snake at Falcon, which wraps around his throat and starts to strangle him.]

 

>SERPENTOR: Your life has ended!

 

[Meanwhile, Pythona and Jinx continue to wrestle, until Jinx judo flips her away, removes her mask, and puts on a blindfold.]

 

>JINX: Okay, lady. It’s time for lights out.

 

TOM: I don’t get it, why would not being able to see make you better at martial arts?

 

MIKE: Blind ninjas are better than regular ninjas. That’s just one of the rules of Ninjutsu, like how the more ninjas there are the less effective they’ll be, or how ninjas can wear bright primary colors and still camouflage themselves somehow.

 

TOM: Um, Mike, none of those rules make a lick of sense.

 

MIKE: And yet in movies, they’re always true.

 

>SERPENTOR: Your breath sears your lungs. Your eyes dim. Your…

 

>COBRA COMMANDER: Wasss a man. Yesssssssss.

 

>SERPENTOR: Cobra Commander! No!

 

MIKE: How did he recognise him?

 

CROW: There’s only one being on Earth that whiny.

 

[Cobra Commander fights the snake around Falcon’s neck, freeing him. Meanwhile,Pythona and Jinx are duking it out when Golobulus uses… snake magic, I dunno, to create a big rift in the ground. When Pythona jumps at her, Jinx dodges, causing Pythona to fall to her death.]

 

>JINX: *removing her blindfold* I always knew I wasn’t unlucky.

 

TOM: Considering you just caused a woman to fall to her death by complete accident, you’re the definition of unlucky.

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: This is for Gung Ho, Alpine, and Bazooka! *piledrives Nemesis Enforcer*  This is for Falcon! *slams into him*

 

MIKE: Wait, why does Falcon, who has never even interacted with Nemesis Enforcer, get one, while Gung Ho, Alpine, and Bazooka have to share?

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: This is for me! *slams into him again* This is for Duke! *slams into him again* And this is for the U.S. of A! *slams into him again*

 

TOM: Wait, how is Slaughter winning? He’s just a normal human up against a monster that can lift several tons and shred steel like tin foil!

 

MIKE: So what? Slaughter’s got the power of AMERICA! HECK YEAH!

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: *picks up Nemesis Enforcer* You make me sick. *tosses him off the cliff*

 

TOM: What? Did Nemesis Enforcer just conveniently forget he can fly? What an idiot!

 

>SERPENTOR: Enough! This game is over!

 

[Serpentor strafes the ground with laser blasts, while Falcon jumps up to his Air Chariot and starts grappling with him. Falcon ends up grabbing his cape, and feeding it into the engine, causing the Air Chariot to fly away with Serpentor stuck to it...]

 

MIKE (as Edna Mode from The Incredibles): No capes!

 

>LT. FALCON: *to Golobulus* You’re next… whoever you are.

 

>GOLOBULUS: I will stain my hands with your blood! *grabs Lt. Falcon in a bear hug* No one… no one defies Golobulus and lives! No one! *tosses Falcon aside* 

 

[Falcon tries to escape, only to be tripped by Golobulus snake tail and grabbed again. On the other side of the chasm Falcon’s friends can only watch.]

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: Don’t give up.

 

>GOLOBULUS: *twisting Falcon’s spine* the last thing you will hear is the cracking of your vertebrae. One. By. One.

 

[Falcon is able to grab the stick with the time worm on it, and jab it into Golobulus’ eye. At least, I assume that’s what happened, the camera cut away to prevent any children watching from seeing the violence.]

 

CROW: EYE bet he…

 

TOM: CROW!

 

[Falcon is able to run to the BET and deactivate it, seemingly saving the world.]

 

>JINX: He did it! He shut off the BET!

 

>GOLOBULUS: Heroic, and utterly futile. Behold! *points to a video screen* The pods have matured. There is no way to stop the spores!

 

[Golobulus then escapes in his organic flying chair… thingy.]

 

>GOLOBULUS: You have lost, G.I. Joe! Lost!

 

MIKE: Yeah, right. Has any kid’s movie like this ever actually ended with the total destruction of all humanity?

 

CROW: If so, that’s a movie I want to see.

 

>JINX (solemnly): We failed.

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: No, not yet! *points to Falcon, who is running to the BET*

 

>JINX: What’re you doing?!

 

>FALCON: If I can rev up enough, juice…

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: You can fry those spores in space!

 

TOM: Sure, makes as much sense as the rest of this movie’s science.

 

[A red energy blast bursts forth, vaporising all the spores in space. In the process, the BET starts to overload.]

 

>LT. FALCON: It’s gonna blow! Warn the others! Get out of here!

 

>JINX: And leave you? No way!

 

>LT. FALCON: Forget me, save yourselves!

 

CROW: Okay, let’s go...

 

>SGT. SLAUGHTER: Falcon, either we all go home, or nobody goes home!

 

[Slaughter removes his belt and grabs on to one end, with Jinx grabbing on to the other. He then begins to spin her around.]

 

>JINX: Jump, Falcon! Grab onto my ankles!

 

[Despite that being one of the dumbest plans I’ve ever heard, it, of course, works, and Falcon is brought to safety. The Joes then narrowly evacuate the mountain in time.]

 

>HAWK: Hit the dirt!

 

[The BET explodes, destroying the entire mountain.]

 

TOM: Uh, I’m not sure hitting the dirt will protect you from all that.

 

>DOC (on the radio): General Hawk, do you read me? This is Doc at Headquarters. Great news! Duke’s come out of his coma.

 

MIKE (sarcastically): Sure, just like my childhood dog came out of his coma when he was moved to a farm upstate.

 

>HAWK: Looks like we made it. Men, Doc says Duke is gonna be A-OK.

 

>EVERYONE (in unison): Yo Joe!

 

[After some celebration, the Joes start to head home, with Falcon and Jinx lagging behind, when glitter starts to rain from the sky.]

 

>JINX: Look at the sky. The last of the mutation spores are burning up in orbit.

 

>LT. FALCON: Thanks, big brother. *to Jinx* Let’s go.

 

[As the credits roll, Mike and the Bots leave the theatre, and walk their way back to the bridge.]

 

MIKE: Well Tom, I hope you learned a valuable lesson from Crow’s practical joke.

 

TOM: That’s right, Mike. I learned to never invade someone else’s privacy again. For there are somethings neither man nor machine have a right to know.

 

CROW: I thought the lesson was I’m hilarious, and Servo’s a loser.

 

TOM: Hey, knock it off or else!

 

CROW: Or else what? We both know that you’re really the one who has a crush on me!

 

TOM: Do not!

 

CROW: Do too!

 

TOM: Do not!

 

CROW: Do too!

 

TOM: Do not!

 

CROW: Do too!

 

MIKE: *sighs* At least their dynamic is back to normal. *notices the blue button on the desk flashing.* Oh, looks like the Fang Gang is calling…

 

(On the screen appears Pearl Forrester, Observer, and an unknown extremely attractive woman.)

 

PEARL: So, how did you dummies enjoy your movie?

 

MIKE: It was fine, but… who is that with you?

 

OBSERVER: This is my latest girlfriend, Cheryl. After you pointed out that I had no one this Day of Valentine’s, I decided to ask her out, and she said, most enthusiastically yes.

 

CHERYL: That’s right! I love Brain Guy, he’s so handsome.

 

MIKE: Uh huh, sure. And how did you two meet again?

 

CHERYL: Oh well, me and Pearl were being observed on the Observer homeworld…

 

[Observer quickly nudges her.]

 

CHERYL: Um, I mean, we met on a dating website. *nervously laughs*

 

MIKE: Brain Guy, you didn’t just use your powers to shapeshift Bobo into a woman so you could pretend to have a girlfriend, did you?

 

OBSERVER: Why, of course not! Do you really think so lowly of me that you could possibly imagine I’d be so duplicitous?

 

MIKE: No, of course not. Just checking… Hey, look at all those big juicy fleas right there behind you!

 

“CHERYL”: Ooh, flees? Where? I’m starved… I mean, um, I’m definitely a normal female human.

 

OBSERVER: *face palms* I loathe you all.

 

PEARL: *patting him on the back* We know, and the feelings mutual.

 

[The screen fades out and the credits roll].

  
  


SERPENTOR: Cobra-Lalalalalalalalalala!


End file.
